We’re passionate about many things, and deadly sinning? It’s near the top of the list, and these seven sins are ones we don’t think people talk about enough. So this Halloween, as (nearly) everyone rejoices in all things eery and odd, we’d like to take the opportunity to do something a little counter-cultural and put the “hallowed” back in Halloween.
If you or a loved one is committing any of the below-listed sins, we are sorry, you have a real mess on your hands, and we wish you all the best. We’ll try to help you but it may be a lost cause. If you want to use this list to screen potential partners, we do indeed recommend that and, if you don’t want to throw the boyfriend out with the bedding (as the old saying goes), we’ll also give you a link to our bedding, which was made specifically for sinful situations such as these.
Look. We get it. You’re selfish. But do you have to make everyone else suffer with you? You do? You’re like the Grinch, but stealing sleep, and not just on Christmas but always. Nice going!
Fortunately for you sleep disruptors, bed manglers and your partners, we’ve engineered a solution that isn’t you getting some boundaries or unconscious impulse control (we’re realists, okay?): Sheets that snap together with the duvet. You may not pull them any longer, we have decreed it. Sheet division will be equitable and enjoyable. #ComfortForAll
A SERIAL NON-BEDMAKER
Making the bed has been correlated to many positive attributes. Plus, it’s cleaner and looks better. Imagine if you could improve any other area of your life with one small adjustment and you could be happier, neater and more physically appealing…?! We accept your messy-bed past (in all senses of the phrase) but only if you promise a neat-bed future.
Still not on board? Okay. What if we tell you we made making the bed easier than ever? Honestly, with these sheets you’ll have to work to keep it messy. Which we wouldn’t put past you at this point.
ESCHEWING A TOP SHEET
This is probably one of the public health issues nearest and dearest to our hearts, and if you disagree with top sheet use – we will try to convert you and save your soul. We will do our very best.
First of all – improved cleanliness. Second, ease of cleaning – washing the duvet every week (which is the recommended frequency of washing the sheets you come into contact with)?! What a pain! Not to mention, duvets are not intended to be washed that often. They weren’t built with that in mind. You are going against the duvet laws of nature.
Keeping your bed the cleanest with the least amount of work? Why would you say no? Is it because you are infested with the grim and sinful spirit of Halloween? We knew it! Let’s send that demon packing. Be gone!
THE MIDNIGHT WALKER
Sleepwalking is no joke and may be related to genetics. Stories of people doing everything from chopping wood to driving cars while asleep have surfaced, and we all know someone who has sleepwalked at one point or another. Whether or not they’re conscious, repeatedly getting up and wandering during the night can be disruptive. And if they are sleepwalking, you have to worry about any number of things that could go wrong when you should be getting your beauty rest. Good tip: Don’t wake a sleepwalker, but instead, gently guide them back to bed. Seriously, that’s a real tip.
THE SERIAL ALARMIST
If you need more than 3 alarms, we are alarmed. You can’t really think those minutes IN BETWEEN the slightly-spaced out alarms count as sleep, do you? Falling asleep only to be immediately woken up again is an actual torture technique. Please do not torture your bedmates or roommates while you fool yourself into thinking you’re cheating time. NO ONE CHEATS TIME.*
(*Except us – with our snapping sheets that gets you a perfectly-made bed with no effort. We cheated time that once, and don’t get us started about the deals with the devil we had to make to do it).
THE ENERGETIC SLEEPER
There should be an injury lawyer specializing in the various nighttime wounds that can be sustained when your partner subconsciously has no regard for human life. Elbows to the temple, sharp kicks to the legs, slaps fully across the face, delivered with sudden and fierce precision, would all qualify. Sleep deprivation due to snoring? Cruel and unusual. Case closed.
THE SUFFERING ONE-UPPER
You know the one. You got six hours of sleep one night, they got five. And woke up and ran 8 miles in the morning. You had food poisoning this past weekend but they once had food poisoning for days, threw up 800 times, and during a trip overseas. And they had to fly back the next day. We don’t know what to tell you about this one. Except to calmly remark, “wow, you lead the most miserable life.” That should, if nothing else, make you feel better momentarily.
These are not listed in order of severity, and we wish our victims and perpetrators the best. We can’t solve ALL your relationship problems, but we can help you sleep better with your bedmates, and better in general. And studies show more sleep makes you happier, more patient, better at reading facial cues and makes you look healthier and more attractive. We could all use some of that, wouldn’t you say? Share passive aggressively with someone who is a deadly sinner or with someone who needs more sleep (so…everyone?).