As Mercury falls into retrograde and the sky turns a delightful shade of month-old-Christmas-ham gray, Primary Goods’ resident Underground Astrology, Kevin, expert emerges from his Isolation Cavern to excite and delight us with predictions on what each alt-star sign will be receiving this holiday season, and whether the crushing disappointment that follows will be enough to justify an extra mug or two of spiked eggnog.
Scutum (Oct 23- Nov 24) - born between the time it takes your anemic girlfriend to unwrap one present and the time it takes for your dog to get stuck in the tape. Scutum has a hard time asking for what they want, so they always end up with gift cards. But not even the nice Visa or Amazon gift cards. It’s always the useless ones, like $25 towards your next Blockbuster purchase or one free Chobani yogurt with your next $100 purchase of Lactaid.
Pictor (Nov 25 - Dec 26) - born right after Mariah Carey’s 17th platinum Christmas album drops: Pictors have dozens of secret admirers, so they can expect an abundance of gifts this year. But because they’re secret, all the gifts will be excessively cryptic. Like a single disembodied tooth wrapped in spun silk, or a watercolor portrait of a man staring at a wall.
Vuplecula (Dec 27 - Jan 16) - born under suspicious circumstances: Vupleculas usually get what they want. All they have to do is complain about how hard it is to have a birthday during the holiday season and people immediately shower them with gifts in a desperate attempt to get them to shut up about it.
Apus (Jan 17- Feb 18) - born with a self-diagnosed allergy to chestnuts, open fires, and all things warm and cozy: Ugh, you again? Apuses get coal for the holidays. And no matter how much pressure you put it on it, you’re still not getting a diamond before the end of the year...just sayin’.
Canes Venatici (Feb 19 - March 21) - born with what began as a charmingly irrefutable, but is now borderline shameful, belief in Santa Claus: CVs get all the good stuff: expensive jewelry, lavish all-expenses-paid trips to exotic locations, and rare vintage wines. Unfortunately, they all come in the form of kickbacks from illicit government contacts.
Camelopardalis (March 22- April 23) - born between the time it took you to meticulously decorate your entire house and the time it took your cat to wreck everything: The Giraffes of the Sky are finally getting their subscription service. They’re told it’s either for a vegan meal kit or a series of ancient hieroglyphic scrolls that describe the time and date of the apocalypse.
Cetus (April 24 - May 25) - born during that awkward five seconds it takes you to power-walk past the Salvation Army people after telling them for the tenth time that you don’t carry change, but you’re a really charitable guy, promise!: The holiday season is hard for Cetuses, as they’re constantly reminded of their biggest fear: commitment. This year, they can expect to spend hours explaining why they introduced you as their friend at the party when you’ve been together for, like, four months now and he’s met your family and you’ve made it Facebook official and --
Dorado (May 26 - June 27) - born during that weird liminal period when you really want everyone to leave so you can eat all their leftover dessert but you don’t want to be rude and push them out your door before 9pm: You know that awful Folger’s commercial with the uncomfortable interaction between a girl and her brother? Dorados can expect an equally uncomfortable gift exchanging experience, except it’s between them and every member of their extended family. Even the ones we don’t talk to anymore.
Lupus (June 28- July 29) - born during that part of “Carol of the Bells” when no one knows the lyrics but everyone just kind of mouths gibberish for a bit: Lupus can expect the pleasant sensation of Jack Frost nipping at their toes this year. The bad news is that it turns out he’s got a thing for feet.
Triangulum Australe (July 30 - August 31) - born in the twenty minutes it takes to remove every item of warm clothing when you get to your office in the morning: The TAs are deeply passionate about environmental justice and sustainability, so this year they’re all getting seeds. Pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, the seed of doubt, all types.
Puppis (September 1- October 2) - born in the moment of panic when parents realize their child announcing “Santa’s” arrival is actually a better intruder security system than the one they pay $99/month for: Puppis will be receiving the only thing that’s appropriate to give someone with such a name: a sparkly top. What were you expecting?
Boötes (October 3 - 22) - born in the chaos that ensues when one “gifted” child decides to tell the rest of the second-grade class a big secret about Santa: Boötes would like me to tell you to please stop giving them boots as a gift. They’re rebranding themselves as Haäts. It’s not a phase, mom!
We hope this information is exciting yet unsurprising, and that your holiday season involves an appropriate amount of cheer. Kevin's boundless wisdom will return next month to predict how long Star Sign sticks to the New Year’s Resolution before succumbing to their mortal desires.