Fear No Festivities: how to survive Independence Day from the comfort of your bed

When the Walgreen’s aisles are lined with poppers and all the Midwestern kids are suddenly making urgent weekend trips up to Wisconsin, you know that time of year has come again: Independence Day. As usual, our friends up in the Great White North are ahead of our game, but the first week of July always spells trouble for anyone with a moral or ethical opposition to fireworks, hot dogs, and cardboard boat races.

Whether the first or fourth is a work night for you or just bring back unpleasant memories of some revelry-related trauma, you may be wracking your ball-capped brain for ways to maintain your bedroom’s sense of peace and quiet throughout all 24 hours of glow-sticked fun. If the patterned melody of violent explosions isn’t exactly music to your ears, here are some ways to make sure you’re off to Dreamland at a reasonable hour and show up to work the next morning as the only employee without a sunburn, mosquito smallpox all over your legs, and a Mike’s Hard hangover.

Fans are your friend

Box fans and standing fans go for $20 at Target, and you don’t even have to suffer through the seasonal section to get there. Not only is it scientifically proven that keeping your room cool results in better, more restful sleep, but the muted buzz of the blades can double as white noise and block out the sounds outside. If you think your A/C unit will do the trick, take a closer listen to the frequency of the noise. If it’s more of a rattle than a rhythmic hum, opt for a fan instead. July 5th is prime standing-in-the-return-line day at Target.

Keep it red, white, and black

Those shimmering, sparkling lights outside are actually harbingers of pain. Well, not really, but they definitely aren’t doing you any favors. Studies show that the best way to fall asleep and stay asleep is to make your bedroom as dark as possible. Putting black electrical tape over any fire alarm lights, keeping your phone upside down, and investing in some thick blackout curtains are just a few key ways to blocking out the visual noise from the loudest day of the year.

Keep calm and snooze on

If your aversion to the festivities is due at least in part to noise-related anxiety, you may find it helpful to nip your reaction in the bud. Try some CBD (like this 100% organic 250mg tincture) and a subscription to a meditation app like Headspace or Calm. Put on those noise-canceling headphones, lay down in your cool, dark room, and shut out the rest of the world. Before you know it, you’ll be on a faraway beach instead of unit 4B.

Independence Day can be loud, overwhelming, overstimulating, and downright annoying. If none of the above tips give you the refuge you need, you can always snuggle in a percale cocoon until the neighborhood-wide fog of bug spray and sparkler ash has lifted.