Unresolutions 2019

Dear 2019,

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sick of all the endless platitudes about how the new year is a new beginning. Newsflash: just because something is new doesn’t mean you should have to erase all the work you put in last year to become the person you are now. Around this time of year, everyone always goes on and on about how they plan to make massive changes to their lives, taking one step further toward the person they always wanted to be. As if somehow a new year makes going to the gym any less of a logistical nightmare than it was last year. And please, if one day past December 31st, sugar suddenly stops tasting like something the gods hand-delivered to humanity on a diamond platter, someone better call National Geographic because that’s a scientific miracle.

So instead of promising myself and all 544 of my Facebook friends that I’m gonna find a girlfriend who can tolerate my foreign crystal collection, quit my entry-level social media observation job, or cut out carbs (is it keto that doesn’t do carbs? butter a carb?), I’ve made an exhaustive list of all the un-resolutions I plan to keep during the next 365 days. Bar any emotional scarring or apocalyptic event, I hope to keep these promises to myself until my animalistic urges for bacchanal nonsense overtakes my willpower.

1. Eradicate the Black Plague

Did you know the Black Plague is still a thing? Like it’s an actual thing that exists. People die from it every single day. Well, maybe not every day. But every once in awhile. How hard is it to just like, take a shower? Scrub off those fleas? Hire Orkin to get rid of those basement rats. If the Department of Whatever won’t take care of the one thing left over from the times when people wore puffy sleeves unironically, I will.

2. Develop a new disease in its place

People work better and faster when they’re under pressure. That includes blood pressure. I’m vowing to create a disease that’s scary enough to cause alarm, but not serious enough that I can’t create a cure that I can sell for millions.

3. Stop making love with Victoria’s Secret models.

It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.

4. Save the planet

My water bill is insane, and every day I have to get up from the couch and turn off my TV because the news keeps blathering on about how California is in some kind of drought. So this year I plan on saving thousands of gallons, and thousands of dollars, by replacing every ounce of water in my home with fresh kombucha. I hear it’s good for your digestion or something. It must be fabulous for the skin as well, especially if you bathe in it daily.

5. Be more productive

The average human adult gets less than the recommended 8-10 hours of sleep per night. That can lead to fatigue and depression, which destroys your productivity and keeps you from achieving your full potential. In order to ensure I can spent the maximum amount of energy curing the plague, inventing new diseases (and developing a marketing plan to sell their cures for more than they’re worth), breaking up with my supermodel girlfriends, and saving the world (by myself, ahem), I’m vowing to sleep more than twice the recommended amount: 16-20 hours a night. By the time I wake up, I’ll have eight full hours to dedicate to my more ambitious pursuits. I am thriving.

If by some horrible twist of fate I’m unable to complete each of these tasks by March, I’ll revisit these and replace them with something more doable, like cutting my calories down to a more reasonable 4,000. Hopefully I’ll look skeletal just in time for next Halloween.